Family storytellers often overlook the importance of describing family dynamics.
When that happens, readers are left to make their own assumptions. If they come from a June-and-Ward-Clever-style family, they’ll interpret the story we tell in that context. If their own family has more similarities to The Simpsons, that’s the lens through which readers will (mis)understand events.
Golly gee, as the Beav would say.
Readers need a grasp of your family’s dynamics to fully digest the emotional impact of your memories and family stories. Those interactions provide accompaniment to your stories: primary melody, harmony, key changes, discord, resolution, and descant.
Describing Family Dynamics as a Backdrop
We think of “context” in terms of social historical events. However, family context can be just as important to conveying the truth of a story.
But, how do you encapsulate family relationships, birth order, personalities, and age gaps?
Showing versus Telling: It’s in the Details
Professional writers take this adage to heart, but we can all make use of the concept. Rather than describing relationships, give readers short glimpses of personality.
For instance, compare the following:
My sister and I were close.
It used to drive my brother crazy when my sister and I would communicate by simply giving each other looks. He’d throw his arms up yelling, “What?! Say something so us mortals can catch on.”
Things like daily phone calls, a jealous whine, an eye-roll, the laugh-fests, or a shared sense of humor paints a picture of family dynamics.
We see that concept in action in T.V. sitcoms. Short interactions between characters depict relationships. Likewise, when we include every day details in our stories, readers “get” the family personality and rhythms.
Note: There’s a lot more this in Using Small Details to Describe Family Members and Relationships.
Describing Family Dynamics to Paint an Accurate Portrait
My post Which Photos Reveal Your Family Story? discussed how to find photographs that show the “real” family.

This family photo doesn’t tell you too much about the dynamics of our family. Compare it to the top graphic, which has a candid shot of me and my cousins.
Just as posed family portraits may not reveal personalities, stories that omit family dynamics don’t live up to their potential.
Writing, Not Offending
Writing about family members can be a quagmire. We don’t want to offend. But neither do we want to leave out important chapters. In fact, I could make a could case that we shouldn’t withhold big chunks of our family’s history.
That said, writing about sensitive family issues (or sensitive family members) requires a little care.
Some of your best tools include tact, humor, editing and more editing. (I go into more detail about this in Memories of Me: A Complete Guide to Telling and Sharing the Stories of Your Life.)
Tactfulness doesn’t just mean word choice. It helps to put family members’ behavior in context.
For example, rather than reminisce that your older sister was condescending and superior, try something like this:
Block Quote
At 16 to my 12, my sister made no secret that she saw me as a brat—which I probably was. I followed her everywhere and even read her diary.
Granted, that’s not always easy. In a guest post for MarionRoach.com, Sheila K. Collins, PhD suggests trying to write the passage from the other person’s viewpoint. When you look back at the event wearing their shoes, you have a fuller perspective on what happened.
Connecting via Imperfection
Remember, a realistic depiction of your family is more likely to connect with others than a saccharine sweet version. (See also Roses Aren’t Perfect—Family Stories Shouldn’t be Either.)
In fact, some of our family sitcoms were inspired by what happened in the creator’s (or writers’) living room and kitchen.
Likewise, the sitcom Everyone Loves Raymond drew from Italian American family situations to bring laughter to millions of households.
During RootsTech 2019, Patricia Heaton, who starred Debra in that show, had advice for family storytellers. According to her, it wasn’t only the show’s great writers and actors with impeccable comic timing that made it such a hit. Everyone Loves Raymond’s ridiculous moments struck a chord because we all have imperfect families.
Major Trauma versus a Family Setting
Sometimes the difficulties or dysfunction of the family warrants story in itself. In those cases, it’s worth the word count to delve into the causes and fallout.
Sadly, events or loss can divide a family timeline into “before” and “after.” Family members bare scars which mark grief and fissures in relationships.
Jealousy and rivalry between siblings probably dates back before Cain and Abel. When that rises to a level of dysfunction, those dynamics may warrant a theme behind many of your stories.
Your Turn:
Have you had problems describing family dynamics in your story? Conversely, have you used family interactions to enrich narratives? I love to read your comments below.
What a valuable insight, Laura. I was so struck by the rightness of what you were saying, I was nodding along as I read. For myself, I’ve often struggled with getting the tone of a piece right, mostly because I so often am delving into traumatic experiences. As my brother in law jokes, “Hey, we’re Chinese. We define “dysfunctional.” ” For me, one of the unexpected rewards of a deep love for genealogy is sympathy. I may have been totally opposed to a parent’s or grandparent’s decision but I think I can now see some of the factors leading them to those decisions. I still don’t agree, but I understand, and in the understanding lies sympathy. What you’ve given me is a more granular approach to family dynamics: talk about the sibling rivalries too. I have only to look at my sister and myself – I was the infuriating, condescending older sister that still has to work hard not to fall into that trope.
Thank you!
Thanks for adding your comment Linda. You’re right–It goes back to the complex characters. If we have some sort of empathy for them even if we hate what they do, we connect.
Thank you for spelling out what should be obvious, but really isn’t! I read this twice and anticipate reading it again.
Thank you so much Lynn! I’m glad it was helpful.
A very thought proving post on an unusual approach to writing family history. I particularly liked the way you gave examples
Thanks for this, Laura. I am hoping to return to writing about my childhood for the A-Z Challenge 2020, so this is a helpful guide. I also believe photos can reveal a bit of personality — such as the one you have posted showing a serious older child beside a younger one who appears more prone to silliness. But as you have noted, best not to make assumptions from photos alone 🙂
Ha, You nailed that personality in the photo.