Writing about difficult chapters in your family history is hard.  Exposed family secrets and stories about sensitive topics can cause an uproar in the family if they aren’t handled correctly. They seem to prefer to lurk in the closets of our memories or our research notes.

This guide summarizes the decisions writers face as they put the past to paper and share it with others was written in 2021 and updated in 2025.

What are difficult chapters?

Your answer may differ greatly from mine. Or from your cousin’s.

If you and your relatives are comfortable in your family skin—even the hard, tanned skins of the past—these sensitive subjects might be far and few between. For instance, my neighbor recently found out her ancestor was a jewel thief and smuggler. It gives her pause, but it’s not painful for her to explore or talk about. In fact, it’s sparked some interesting family conversations.

While some difficult chapters in your family history might spark curiosity, a family culture that puts more emphasis on their lineage of upright citizenship might struggle more with such revelations.

At the far end of the spectrum, discoveries (or witnessing) morally questionable or even reprehensible episodes of the past complicate decisions about writing about difficult chapters.

Writers question who they’ll offend or hurt? Who will be upset? They also wonder how to weigh those concerns against the necessity of telling accurate stories. Of telling the truth

Seldom can you make that decision in a vacuum. Family members influence how comfortable you are with sharing. Even well-meaning relatives can pressure writers to maintain the family façade and skirt around the truth

Look at what makes the story problematic to write.

Ask yourself: Why is this difficult to write about?

Analyzing why a story is problematic to write helps you evaluative you motives and apprehensions.

Let’s look at how some answers bring clarity to if and how you want to write about difficult chapters in your family history.

The episode is uncomfortable to face.

Many of us hesitate to write about difficult family stories because we worry about being judged or associated with past wrongdoings. When someone whispers ‘The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree,’ we take it personally.

One litmus test for that is whether you really care what people who would say those things think. Are they important to you? Are their opinions?

If you met a child whose parents or grandparents had committed a crime, would you hold the child responsible? What if the child had yet to be born when the event took place?

Are they blameworthy?

Use that word. Blameworthy takes you out of the realm of feelings and prompts a more objective analysis of the situation.

Your answer might be yes, because sometimes we are. Do you ready to own it publicly? Do you need to say some person-to-person mea culpas first?

Your account could help others in similar situations by validating their experiences and shedding light on how historical family secrets shaped their lives. (Read also How Your Writing is Therapeutic for Others.)

The story is emotionally difficult to process, to re-live through writing.

Writing can be therapeutic. But if you’ve suffered trauma, it never hurts to work with someone familiar with trauma-informed care. If the wounds are too fresh, it might not be time to write.

Sharing the events of the past could cause actual harm to others or could fracture relationships.

Judy G. Russell addressed this concern in her article Private facts in public genealogies. Though written in 2012, her guidance remains valid. It’s legally questionable to cause harm to living people, but ethically, it’s black and white.

Don’t do it.

You’re not completely sure what happened.

Sometimes, a writer is ready, but their research isn’t. Perhaps records are still sealed or only exist in a faraway archive. Maybe you also need to research the context of the time period to gain perspective.

In cases like these, you can either write your story as a mystery or approach an experienced genealogist to brainstorm over how you could find out more.

Memoir writing guides can help.

Professional writers offer valuable insights for handling difficult chapters in your family history.

In addition to great family history resources, guides for and by professional memoirists particularly helpful for navigating the difficult chapters in family history and personal stories. Because they target committed writers looking to share their stories with the world, they examine the hard questions in depth.

You can find online memoir groups—even Facebook groups where you can pose your questions and get feedback. One of my go to resources is Joanna Penn at The Creative Penn. Her article Writing Tips: How To Write A Memoir About A Difficult Subject confronts the questions of if you’re ready to write the story and whether it’s likely to cause harm.

Likewise, Laurie Hertzel really nails the question that keeps many of us up at night in her article, But Will They Love Me When It’s Done? Writing about Family in Memoir. She offers strategies that she and other memoirists have used.

Emotional advisors can help you cope with Your Difficult Chapter so you can write about it with compassion and truth.

If you’re having trouble processing an event, a professional therapist can help you gain perspective and understanding—even if it doesn’t seem traumatic.

You might also have great counselors in your circle of confidants. People who know you and the “characters” in your stories make terrific sounding boards.

Coming soon:  Writing strategies for difficult chapters. Stay tuned.

Your Turn: How did you write about difficult chapters in your family history?

Share your experience. Have you had trouble writing about difficult chapters in your family history or something you experienced yourself? What guides were helpful to you? What advice would you give someone starting this journey?

Please share your comments below so others can learn as well.